Trust Fall with Yourself

I know that I get stressed and frustrated when I have expectations that aren’t met. Or, when I’m resisting something. And actually I think those two things are the same thing. Just a different perspective.

It’s easy for me to recognise when it’s happening and I’ve learned to let myself do a ‘trust fall’ into whatever is going on in the moment.

It happened last week when I arrived in Rhodes for the Artist Residency.

I had an idea of what the accommodation would be like from all the photos and videos I’d seen of it before. It looked awesome!

I was looking forward to really connecting on a deep level emotionally to the ancient history of Greece.

And I was looking forward to painting up a storm.

The travel was exciting and fun - airports and flights don’t bother me.

A driver was waiting for me at Rhodes airport with my name on a sign and we headed off to Aria di Rodi in the Medieval Old Town.

I’d also met an amazing couple from Germany who were travelling to Old Town, Rhodes for like the 13th time - it’s their favourite place! They were awesome. I bumped into them again a few days later, we had coffee and chatted for about an hour, exchanging phone numbers.

So far so good. It was dark in the taxi here so I took in what I could while answering questions the taxi driver was asking me.

The hosts of the Residency met me with a little wagon to take my bags across the cobblestone alley ways and we made our way to our private, secluded, gated accommodations and my room.

There I was met with a hot, steamy, pokey little concrete room that reminded me of an underground hotel in Cooper Pedy - but this one was much more primitive.

After fiddling with the remote’s batteries, I managed to get the air conditioner on (okay, not that primitive! 😂 ) and received the run down of avoiding the tap water to drink (mostly because it just doesn’t taste nice) as well as being reminded to not flush toilet paper in the toilet and use the bin instead. I knew about that one!

The weather was quite warm for the next couple of days and very muggy (humid), which made the room stuffy where the air con couldn’t get to - which was everywhere besides sitting right under it.

I kept the air con on for 2 days or so - mostly because I was hot but also I couldn’t turn it off! The remote was no longer working.

But that was my own silly fault. I didn’t think that the batteries might be flat so when it finally occurred to me after I got sick and desperately needed to turn the air con off, I replaced the batteries in the remote and turned the air con off.

The first couple of days we went out as a group to get the lay of the land, took some walks, ate together, did some plein air painting and art classes. Then we each kind of knuckled down to start painting and prepare some work for the art show which would be the culmination of the 2 weeks.

After the first week (5 or 6 days), we had a group art critique to receive feedback on our work if we wanted it. I hadn’t produced much at all except for one canvas I’d started and some doodles. And this is where my real frustration and stress was about to really kick in …

The next morning I woke to feeling extremely disconnected from everything. I wasn’t enjoying the accommodation, I couldn’t sleep well because my bed was so uncomfortable, I couldn’t regulate my temperature, and I wasn’t feeling connected to anything as deeply as I thought I would. The only thing I did feel deeply about was a statue in the Palace of the Grand Master and the ancient artefacts in the museum. Although the Old Town was cool and medieval and lovely to look at, it didn’t have the affect on me that I expected. And I wasn’t feeling inspired to create anything… even the photos I was snapping were great for memories of my trip but I wasn’t feeling ‘called’ to paint any of it… not yet.

I knew that I could end up feeling really stressed about it, which would mean avoiding my feelings and just choose anger and frustration - which is my default and also how I hide from what’s really going on…. or I could ‘trust fall’ into my feelings and spend some time with them and see what was really going on for me.

So I spent that day doing what I felt like, and letting all the feelings come to the surface and pour out naturally and organically. I went for a walk near the water which I felt like I needed (I’m not usually a fan of the water and will choose a forest first… but I needed it).

I cried pretty much all day. Spontaneous tears. At times I’d just notice tears rolling down my face. Other times weird sounds were coming from my chest and throat…. It turned out that they were mostly feelings of deep sadness, some of grief, loss, loneliness… most of it totally unrelated to my art. Though some were.

I called some close friends during the day - who I trust - and had really lovely long video chats. I was reminded that there are people who love me and that I’m not alone. I also knew deep within myself that creatively things might be changing and that’s okay. I’m a fan of change!

I was reminded to feel the feels and not analyse any of it. That will come later. Maybe. For now, it was a process of another kind.

Just like in art where the process is often more important than the outcome, this day of feeling was the same.

Emotions and creativity are similar in their catharsis.

So when you’re feeling the urge to resist, let go. Trust the process. Trust fall into what you’re resisting and follow where it takes you.

Years ago I would not have allowed that kind of vulnerability - not only with others (I wouldn’t have called anyone) but also with myself. I would have avoided it and kept resisting which would have only had one outcome: anger and frustration.

A few days later I was creating again, with no expectations of outcome and feeling much more relaxed. I now have work I can submit for the art show and new ideas to take home with me. And I still have a much bigger adventure awaiting after this Residency with more opportunities for inspiration in art galleries and museums in Athens, London and Amsterdam!